My Apologgy

To my children, my husband and myself...

   First off, I want to be a good mother to my children; Imonne', Jhayanna, and Alijah. being everything they need me to be and doing whatever it took to make sure that I was capable of doing just that, mainly because I believe it was what I never got a chance to have growing up. Now this was not said because I believe I'm not a good mother, because I know in my soul that I am. I say this because I want to be a great mother, pass the point of good, I want to have great relationships with all three of my children, because I know in my heart it will benefit them in the future. I know I get really upset at many different things, and that frustration is took out on them, most times, so for that I want to apologize to all of them. I know I have a lot to learn about how to handle life's burdens as a mother, patience and understanding are the qualities that I have yet to acknowledge and for that I again apologize to my children. I would like to make them a life long promise, that as I continue to grow so will the knowledge of becoming a great, patient, and understanding mother.

Second, stepping out to look in on our relationship, I would like to apologize from the start because not only did I continue to stay in a relationship with you after you hurt me the first time, but to honest with you I ruined it before there was a relationship to begin with. When I first saw you, I knew I wanted to be with you and without even introducing myself to you the proper way I fed into what most of the girls were doing at the time, which was jumping in head first without thinking about how you felt. So in my mind we already knew one another, which meant we had to go to the next step, I was wrong, because I knew in my heart a real relationship with you like that wouldn't work. But like always I went forward with getting to know you and then I got caught in a really uncomfortable position, where I allowed myself to love you and make my whole life become you more than I tried to do for myself so I want to apologize to you for that. I should have recognized the big red signs telling me to sow down, but by that time, I had already fell hard for you, hell I loved you, so I ignored the signs because it just felt like the real thing. From jump I knew I would hurt you, I mean after being with you for so long I knew how and who you were, as far as your emotional side went but I kept on pushing myself closer to you not realizing you were looking for a way out, and that is all my fault, so I will apologize for that. Don't get me wrong I'm not disregarding all of the things you were at fault for, I'm just recognizing all the ones I am, maybe if my eyes would have been more focused on my life aside from you, we wouldn't have went through all the break-ups in the past, so for that, and to you Jamarr I apologize for all that we've put each other through and I hope to continue to have a very long and fulfilled life as well as  marriage with you...I love you with all my heart!

Third, I don't want this apology to sound as if I am beating myself up or thinking the worse of myself I am just taking a moment to acknowledge my faults in life and being women enough to apologize to my family because there here day in and day out to see me at my highest point as well as my lowest and after all that I've done both past and present, there still around to say, "we love you!"
 I will say this, no one will ever go out of their way to love or care for my children except me and for that reason alone, I know I am a good mother. What I am not good at is the temper I have towards the burdens in my life. I have yet to realize and fully comprehend why I am this way and for that I don't believe I'm a good person. I mean yes I'm a good; mother, friend, daughter, and sister but that's all I am, I'm not good or honest to myself, I don't love myself the way God intended and due to that I don't possibly know how to be good to or love anyone else so I want to apologize to myself, for not trying to figure out how to become better. I am at fault because I never really tried to change the entire inside of me, I just changed what I wanted everyone to see and for that I apologize to not only myself but to all those I hurt, trying to avoid a change within myself.

Lastly, I would like to ask for forgiveness from everyone and I hope that in time, the people I value so close to my heart will find a way to stay close even when at times it may same as though I'm pushing them away.