It Is What It Is!

I can't believe that I actually thought I could trick myself into feeling ah different way about myself...like I could really change or rather ignore the person screaming inside my head forever, I guess I should have known that it, the devilish person inside me, would and always will win in the long run. I guess I decided to bring this up again or should I say finally express my inner feelings today, because the more I sit here and try to convince, not just myself but others as well that I don't HATE me with ah passion the more I realize that I do! The point that others don't realize is that, "some of you, in my case, are to blame...or should I say thank", y'all finally got what y'all obviously wanted outta me all these years, and that's to know that all that trying to make me feel like shit has actually worked...CONGRATULATIONS! I do feel like I am ah five foot four piece of shit, I am nothing!
I really should smack my damn self for thinking that this feeling would go away at some point but hey, I guess the saying is right, "Stand for something or Fall for anything", LAUGH OUT LOUD...I guess I really must have STUPID written all over my face cause like ah dumb ass I feel for all of the bullshit everyone has through at me over the years. It's kinda sad actually when I think about all the time I've wasted believing the lies of most of my so-called "friends"...Yeah the fuck right I'm ah strong person! Yeah the fuck right people look to me for advise! kill ya self if even you believe that shit. If I'm such ah "strong" person why do I feel weak every minute of every day of my life? I guess this time the questions are rhetorical, cause I'm the only one who can really answer them but dumb ass me I can't even do that If I'm the one asking the questions. 
Most of you really don't fully understand that Brittany S. Brooks, has been through ah whole hell of ah lot in this short amount of time that I've been on this earth, and you know what that's fine because I didn't have any plans on informing you of any of it...but at the same time you really don't fully understand that it's all of the extra shit that most of you tack on to me that makes me feel weak and rather old and decrepit, many of you so called "friends"and don't even understand that I had thoughts of taking my own life because let y'all tell it, it's pretty much worthless anyway, I've even tried to kill myself before thinking, maybe everyone I know or that knows me rather, would be better off if I just wasn't around any more and honestly the only thing that stopped me from completely falling through with those plans, that is before I had my children or course, was the fact that almost left and right many of the people I knew were either getting murdered, dying from ah natural death, or they've actually taken their own lives.
To tell you the truth, I'm tired and have been for ah while now. I guess, actually I know that's solely the reason why I would always keep to myself most times, cause you know what, sometimes "YOU" CAN'T LET "YOU" DOWN! It's only those rare occasions when you have actually let yourself down when your alone and that when you find yourself wanting to be around other people again...if that makes any since at all, I know what I meant though so that's all that matter's LAUGH OUT LOUD...I don't y'all I really needed to clear my chest in ah sense cause sometimes talking aloud doesn't work out as well as I would like it too, I guess that's why I found ah way to get all of my feelings out in ah way case in point, this blog! but hey at the end of the day, I'll be alright and that just is what it is!