Do you know what it feels like to be broken? To wake up every day with the feeling that, there's no one who completely understands you. To constantly have in your mind, no matter what you do, when you do it - what you say and how you say it, no one will believe you or have the knowledge to know where you're coming from or where you've been and through all the drama, there's no one who knows and gets where you're trying to go in your life. Hell, that being said, do you even know or understand yourself!?
Some days I wake up and wonder, is this really my life? I honestly spend hours in my head, trying to figure out how I can possibly fix it, my life that is. Could I have done or said something different? What if I never had kids, would they be better off without me? Would I be better off without them? Where would my husband and I be, if we never got married? Would we even still be together? What if I had a better relationship with my mother, way back before now, would it have changed my out look on life or my personality at all? What if I was passive aggressive, instead of; Bipolar, crazy aggressive, the way I am or the way people seem to think I am now?
Honestly...I'm sitting up, after having took four sleeping pills, restless because my mind has told my body, "there's a problem." Only trouble is, I can't seem to pin point the problem! Am I too mean?...Am I too bod?...Am I too real?...Or is my problem the fact that I want to make sure everyone I know is alright, happy and likes me?
I honestly have no explanation for wanting to do that, mainly because I always place my emotions, needs, wants, likes and dislikes on the back burner like recycled grease. I will even think I'm complaining about consistently doing this to myself and how I never get any free time to just take care of me and worry about my happiness, only to always repeat this shit...Talking about how tired of going through this and caring on about being done! When the sad, horrible reality is that, in some weird, crazy fucked up way...I kind of like it! It actually gives me something to do because I will literally go crazy - deranged, if I was completely alone.
In this moment, I feel tons of emotions, I didn't bother to realize I would ever feel. I never really considered my own children, the ones that I grew on the inside of me and were cut out of me, would be taken from me because I yell at them, because I teach them manners, because they get disciplined for doing bad things, because I make them do their homework, because I make them clean up after themselves, because they cry like someone has taken a shot gun to the face of their imaginary pet dog, because we blast music and have dance sessions, because I let them help me cook on occasion, because I make them wash their ass and brush their teeth every day, because we (mom & dad) play tag, hide & seek, toy war, phase ten, cops and the occasional hide and scare the shit out of somebody and like most kids do when playing they fall, they yell, they fake cry, they run, THEY GET HURT! I'm the bad guy who must be abusing my children...GTFOH!!
That's called being a damn good mother okay, that's called teaching your children responsibility okay, that's called the exchange of respect from child to parent and parent to child okay, that's called kids being kids okay, that's called try it sometime and stop trying to single my family out for not allowing my children to run around the city of Griffin GA like mini thots, shaking their ass and giving off the notion that their grown when really their only 7 months, 2, 6 and 7 years old okay!
I've tried to continue praying to God about my situation, trying to avoid asking, "why me Lord?" But, I feel as though it's not the right time to ask HIM to return my heavy load back to me yet, mainly because I need to breath and take in this entire situation so that my brain recognizes that this is very real and it is something that I can not control what so ever. A part of me really wish I had the ability to see into the future, to know when my four hearts will return home...Back in my chest, so that I might live again.
I don't have many regrets in my life, but I do regret putting myself in this type of situation. Basically, I regret leaving a window open for someones doubt of me being a good parent to come in. I miss my children being at home day-in and day-out, every time someone comes up to me asking, "where are the kids?", My first thought is always their faces and what their doing when their not with me! And getting supervised visits with them, Sunday's, isn't enough. If it were good enough I would be the type of person the state is trying to make me out to be. Hell the day I get my kids back, I'm going...Scratch that, we're going to have a mini party at home and there will be games and staying up late and just all out fun because this is where they need to be, forever and ALWAYS. I can honestly and whole heartily say, "A change is gonna come when my kids come home and maybe not on that day but soon after, we're getting the hell outta Griffin, where everybody knows not just your name, but your business and think that knowing all that entitles them to being apart of your life, to that I say...NOT ME, NOT MY FAMILY, NOT MY LIFE, I'M GOOD!
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