When people think about African Americans, their face becomes distressed, as if we're aliens from a different planet, we're even classified differently when it comes to applying for jobs, during award shows, even commercials. Come on...On one hand, we're asking for those of different races to except us, Black-African Americans, as their equals and on the completely other hand we're separating ourselves. Now, that's not to say that Americans aren't trying to separate us either but my question is...How can we, as the African Americans, complain if we, ourselves, are falling in line or back in formation of separating our own selves?
My opinion is that, we as people can not keep complaining about change expecting a change to come all while doing and or not doing anything different ourselves, in doing so we're driving ourselves insane literally by definition, because only insane people continue to do the same things over and over again, expecting different outcomes each and every time! If we, as Black-African Americans really wanted a change to come, we would make the first steps forward to allow a change to come and WAIT for the progress. The problem then becomes the fact that our race, is so fucking impatient, that we get tired of waiting on Americans to move at our pace instead of their own. So we then start a movement of our own, not realizing that our moves aren't actually in a forward motion but in a backward one instead!
We're segregating our own race from those of other races, all the while asking why White, Hispanic, Latino and Chinese people don't understand us but want to be like us? When the question should be why don't we rather why can't we, Black- African Americans understand ourselves enough to not get so mad/ angry, at the fact that other races want to imitate us because, if we had more sense or if we used our heads, calmed down and really sat back to realize that imitation is the highest form of flattery, then it would finally dawn on us that they (Americans/ other races) don't hate us intentionally, they actually dislike, with a passion, what they wish they could be themselves...
Maybe they feel like the people who are transgender, who we're born in the wrong body, except they were born in the wrong skin! Same could be said about us Black-African Americans, with all the changes we keep trying to make to our physical appearance. Example being the slanted eyes we try to give ourselves with make-up (Chinese) or the waist trainers/ tummy tucks/ lipo-suction for a skinny body that we weren't born with but (white people) were or, the way we like to dress with our mid-drifts out/uncovered (Latinos) or getting super long ass weave down our backs (Hispanics).
We as people imitate things we've grown fond of, from the clothes on our backs, to the shoes on our feet, to the hair down our backs or lack there of. The difference is, we as African Americans choose to take offense when others "treat" us a certain way, not fully realizing that we "treat" others in that same manner but for some reason it's justified in our minds! Because of what, I mean why? Because of slavery? Well guess what, there was also genocide to other specific races not just ours. Slavery doesn't make us different nor does it keep us stagnate, it actually makes us strong willed, which allows us to give testimonials throughout our life, to create change and trying to create change, is a process and having the ability to be PATIENT through that process, allows room for PROGRESS! It's a step by step flow/reaction just like when a baby learns to walk, they must first learn to sit, then crawl, then walk allowing them to one day run! It's all movement but, we have to remember is that even movement takes time...It has to first start with us but, that can not happen if we're constantly going insane dancing back-in-forth, we have got to learn a new dance.
- lets salsa!
Monday, April 27, 2015
Can I Get Personal?
Do you know what it feels like to be broken? To wake up every day with the feeling that, there's no one who completely understands you. To constantly have in your mind, no matter what you do, when you do it - what you say and how you say it, no one will believe you or have the knowledge to know where you're coming from or where you've been and through all the drama, there's no one who knows and gets where you're trying to go in your life. Hell, that being said, do you even know or understand yourself!?
Some days I wake up and wonder, is this really my life? I honestly spend hours in my head, trying to figure out how I can possibly fix it, my life that is. Could I have done or said something different? What if I never had kids, would they be better off without me? Would I be better off without them? Where would my husband and I be, if we never got married? Would we even still be together? What if I had a better relationship with my mother, way back before now, would it have changed my out look on life or my personality at all? What if I was passive aggressive, instead of; Bipolar, crazy aggressive, the way I am or the way people seem to think I am now?
Honestly...I'm sitting up, after having took four sleeping pills, restless because my mind has told my body, "there's a problem." Only trouble is, I can't seem to pin point the problem! Am I too mean?...Am I too bod?...Am I too real?...Or is my problem the fact that I want to make sure everyone I know is alright, happy and likes me?
I honestly have no explanation for wanting to do that, mainly because I always place my emotions, needs, wants, likes and dislikes on the back burner like recycled grease. I will even think I'm complaining about consistently doing this to myself and how I never get any free time to just take care of me and worry about my happiness, only to always repeat this shit...Talking about how tired of going through this and caring on about being done! When the sad, horrible reality is that, in some weird, crazy fucked up way...I kind of like it! It actually gives me something to do because I will literally go crazy - deranged, if I was completely alone.
In this moment, I feel tons of emotions, I didn't bother to realize I would ever feel. I never really considered my own children, the ones that I grew on the inside of me and were cut out of me, would be taken from me because I yell at them, because I teach them manners, because they get disciplined for doing bad things, because I make them do their homework, because I make them clean up after themselves, because they cry like someone has taken a shot gun to the face of their imaginary pet dog, because we blast music and have dance sessions, because I let them help me cook on occasion, because I make them wash their ass and brush their teeth every day, because we (mom & dad) play tag, hide & seek, toy war, phase ten, cops and the occasional hide and scare the shit out of somebody and like most kids do when playing they fall, they yell, they fake cry, they run, THEY GET HURT! I'm the bad guy who must be abusing my children...GTFOH!!
That's called being a damn good mother okay, that's called teaching your children responsibility okay, that's called the exchange of respect from child to parent and parent to child okay, that's called kids being kids okay, that's called try it sometime and stop trying to single my family out for not allowing my children to run around the city of Griffin GA like mini thots, shaking their ass and giving off the notion that their grown when really their only 7 months, 2, 6 and 7 years old okay!
I've tried to continue praying to God about my situation, trying to avoid asking, "why me Lord?" But, I feel as though it's not the right time to ask HIM to return my heavy load back to me yet, mainly because I need to breath and take in this entire situation so that my brain recognizes that this is very real and it is something that I can not control what so ever. A part of me really wish I had the ability to see into the future, to know when my four hearts will return home...Back in my chest, so that I might live again.
I don't have many regrets in my life, but I do regret putting myself in this type of situation. Basically, I regret leaving a window open for someones doubt of me being a good parent to come in. I miss my children being at home day-in and day-out, every time someone comes up to me asking, "where are the kids?", My first thought is always their faces and what their doing when their not with me! And getting supervised visits with them, Sunday's, isn't enough. If it were good enough I would be the type of person the state is trying to make me out to be. Hell the day I get my kids back, I'm going...Scratch that, we're going to have a mini party at home and there will be games and staying up late and just all out fun because this is where they need to be, forever and ALWAYS. I can honestly and whole heartily say, "A change is gonna come when my kids come home and maybe not on that day but soon after, we're getting the hell outta Griffin, where everybody knows not just your name, but your business and think that knowing all that entitles them to being apart of your life, to that I say...NOT ME, NOT MY FAMILY, NOT MY LIFE, I'M GOOD!
Some days I wake up and wonder, is this really my life? I honestly spend hours in my head, trying to figure out how I can possibly fix it, my life that is. Could I have done or said something different? What if I never had kids, would they be better off without me? Would I be better off without them? Where would my husband and I be, if we never got married? Would we even still be together? What if I had a better relationship with my mother, way back before now, would it have changed my out look on life or my personality at all? What if I was passive aggressive, instead of; Bipolar, crazy aggressive, the way I am or the way people seem to think I am now?
Honestly...I'm sitting up, after having took four sleeping pills, restless because my mind has told my body, "there's a problem." Only trouble is, I can't seem to pin point the problem! Am I too mean?...Am I too bod?...Am I too real?...Or is my problem the fact that I want to make sure everyone I know is alright, happy and likes me?
I honestly have no explanation for wanting to do that, mainly because I always place my emotions, needs, wants, likes and dislikes on the back burner like recycled grease. I will even think I'm complaining about consistently doing this to myself and how I never get any free time to just take care of me and worry about my happiness, only to always repeat this shit...Talking about how tired of going through this and caring on about being done! When the sad, horrible reality is that, in some weird, crazy fucked up way...I kind of like it! It actually gives me something to do because I will literally go crazy - deranged, if I was completely alone.
In this moment, I feel tons of emotions, I didn't bother to realize I would ever feel. I never really considered my own children, the ones that I grew on the inside of me and were cut out of me, would be taken from me because I yell at them, because I teach them manners, because they get disciplined for doing bad things, because I make them do their homework, because I make them clean up after themselves, because they cry like someone has taken a shot gun to the face of their imaginary pet dog, because we blast music and have dance sessions, because I let them help me cook on occasion, because I make them wash their ass and brush their teeth every day, because we (mom & dad) play tag, hide & seek, toy war, phase ten, cops and the occasional hide and scare the shit out of somebody and like most kids do when playing they fall, they yell, they fake cry, they run, THEY GET HURT! I'm the bad guy who must be abusing my children...GTFOH!!
That's called being a damn good mother okay, that's called teaching your children responsibility okay, that's called the exchange of respect from child to parent and parent to child okay, that's called kids being kids okay, that's called try it sometime and stop trying to single my family out for not allowing my children to run around the city of Griffin GA like mini thots, shaking their ass and giving off the notion that their grown when really their only 7 months, 2, 6 and 7 years old okay!
I've tried to continue praying to God about my situation, trying to avoid asking, "why me Lord?" But, I feel as though it's not the right time to ask HIM to return my heavy load back to me yet, mainly because I need to breath and take in this entire situation so that my brain recognizes that this is very real and it is something that I can not control what so ever. A part of me really wish I had the ability to see into the future, to know when my four hearts will return home...Back in my chest, so that I might live again.
I don't have many regrets in my life, but I do regret putting myself in this type of situation. Basically, I regret leaving a window open for someones doubt of me being a good parent to come in. I miss my children being at home day-in and day-out, every time someone comes up to me asking, "where are the kids?", My first thought is always their faces and what their doing when their not with me! And getting supervised visits with them, Sunday's, isn't enough. If it were good enough I would be the type of person the state is trying to make me out to be. Hell the day I get my kids back, I'm going...Scratch that, we're going to have a mini party at home and there will be games and staying up late and just all out fun because this is where they need to be, forever and ALWAYS. I can honestly and whole heartily say, "A change is gonna come when my kids come home and maybe not on that day but soon after, we're getting the hell outta Griffin, where everybody knows not just your name, but your business and think that knowing all that entitles them to being apart of your life, to that I say...NOT ME, NOT MY FAMILY, NOT MY LIFE, I'M GOOD!
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